Friday, January 30, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Break-up Bucket Lists were going viral this week, listing the top 50 things to do after a break up or divorce. Alongside the obvious suggestions like speed dating, dating people outside of your type and one night stands are some other items that concerned me. They include ideas like: take a trip alone, buy flowers for myself, meditate, get a massage, swim in the ocean naked, learn to say no, learn to say yes and many more.
The lists suggest a very true and unhealthy common relationship behavior. In an attempt to prioritze the relationship or our partner, we stop doing things for ourselves and by ourselves. Instead, we absorb into the relationship and sort of merge into one person. In doing so, we leave behind the little mini passions and interests that we had at the start.
My husband travels for work two weeks at a time, spending a week at home in between. When he's home, I try to rearrange my schedule so that I have maximum time for him. On his most recent trip home, we got into a bit of an argument over a comment he made about me not spending enough time working. Unaware that I had rearranged my schedule for him, he assumed our week of lounging and eating out was my norm. I was hurt and offended that he didn't appreciate my hard work or efforts to make time for him. Feeling unappreciated, it dawned on me, though, that we all clear our schedules for our partners in little ways all the time. While we do it out of love, it often goes unnoticed by ourslves and our loved ones.
Whether it's waking up early to pack everyone's lunches instead of meditate, or saying 'no' to some much needed alone time when your partner is off of work, we regularly make small sacrifices to our own growth and life for the benefit of our relationships. Even deciding just a few nights a week to bask in the comfort of your loved ones and your couch instead of going to that book club or yoga class compiles over the years to mute our passions and stifle our own personal growth.
Years go by and we realize that somewhere along the way, we lost ourselves. Whether or not that leads to the end of your relationship with your partner or your kids, it certainly leads to a damaged relationship with yourself. We wake up bored, overweight and unfulfilled and wonder where the excitement disappeared to.
Relationships, marriage and parenthood aren't destinations at which we arrive and hang up our personalities and personal growth for a rainy day when you're single. They are partnerships we must enter into with the agreement to cultivate three relationships at a time: your own, your partner's and your relationship as a couple. Though compromises are inevitable, there must always be room for your your needs as an individual. You must cultivate your own passions and relationships so you feel as energized in the relationship as you did when you started it. Keep the mystery of having two lives alive, the way it was when you first met.
This week, make your own Bucket List--the 5 or 10 or 50 things you have been pushing aside because of your relationship. Do you really need to be single to pursue most of them? Probably not. Choose one or two that you can easily accomplish this week or this month, and go for it. Notice how pursuing your passions--whether they're cooking a meal, meeting up with a friend, or trying something bigger--deepens your sense of self. How does that change what you offer your relationship with your partner? I bet you have a friend that should read this: pass it on!
Monday, December 22, 2014
With the holidays in full swing the treats are a'plenty and the preparation for reluctant New Year's resolutions will be in full swing a week from now. (read here about how to set killer resolutions)
1) Deprivation increases your brain's reward response to food
The game looks a little like this: You stress often about not eating junk and so you tell yourself and believe that you rarely indulge. So when you finally do allow yourself, you eat way more than you otherwise would because "you never do this" and aren't "going to do it again any time soon." So instead of eating one bowl of ice cream, you eat the entire pint so it's not there tomorrow. Wouldn't want to eat it two days in a row, now would you? While you're at it, why bother working out? No amount of reps at the gym tonight are going to burn that off. We'll call this day a loss. But shit, now you've eaten the entire pint of ice cream and skipped the gym, so you feel guilt and shame. Enter the new motivation and self loathing. You're not going to do that anymore, are you? From now on, no more ice cream. Do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars, go right back to the beginning and get your ass back into body jail. Sometimes these cycles can last days and some can last for months, gaining tens of pounds in the binge/nothing phase.
So if you want to lose weight and you're not supposed to deprive yourself of the foods that make you fat, how are you supposed to eat junk and still lose weight?
1. Give yourself permission to eat whatever you want, whenever you want
Much of our desire to eat crap comes from telling ourselves that we're never allowed to do it. Our inner rebel wants to eat it just because we're not supposed to. Let up a little on your tight grip and watch the desire diminish.
2. Eliminate the concept of "cheating" and "rewards"
Similarly to number one, "cheating" and "rewarding" yourself with the same food is a big of a mind mess. Instead of cheat days, just eat the food if you want it so badly. Just make sure you enjoy it. Instead of rewarding yourself with junk, reward yourself with healthy habits, like a massage or manicure. Indulge when you want, reward yourself with some great non-food treats and you will eliminate the confusion.
3. Cultivate a relationship of caring for your body, not fighting it
Despite how it may feel, your stomach fat isn't out to ruin your life. Your body is a physical manifestation of the choices you make and belief system that you hold. Your current form is your body's best efforts to maintain itself despite crash diets, binge drinking and constant bad mouthing from your brain. Cut your gut a little slack. Instead, try to work in partnership with your body. If you're not feeling your best, take a step back and evaluate what you can do to better care for your soul's temple. Your body craves nutrients, and responds well when it gets them on the regular.
4. When you do indulge, really indulge
Upgrade your junk food. You can indulge in chips, ice cream and beer without eating Doritos, Little Debbie and Miller Lite. Try exploring the aisles of Whole Foods and make the switch to gourmet, hand made ice cream sandwiches, baked chips and organic craft beers. The price tag is usually higher, which means you'll buy less of them and probably less often. If your ice cream sandwich is five dollars, you'll probably just buy one, which means you can't eat the whole box. But holy crap are they delicious and worth every single calorie, bite and penny.
5. Add healthy foods in before or after, even if you're full
Eat more?! Junk food doesn't provide your body with any nutrients. Eating high sugar and salt foods that lack nutrients sends your body into crave-mode. Your body has to communicate that it isn't getting what it needs but can't tell you that it's time for a dose of magnesium. So you begin to crave in hopes that you'll eventually eat something with nutrients. So even if you've already had pizza and ice cream, choke down a green smoothie or a salad so that your body still gets what it needs. This will prevent you from continuing to eat junk for three more days.
Bonus tip: do this before you eat the junk and you'll eat even less.
6. Continue with other healthy habits after, instead of deciding that you've failed
Accept gourmet indulgences as part of your routine. Deciding that these foods are just as much a part of your life as the healthy ones can be transformational. When you accept indulgence as reality, you eliminate the feeling of the need to be constantly starting your diet over. This is critical for breaking the all or nothing/binge cycle. After indulging, keep going on your merry, healthy way. Take out the trash and hit the gym. Business as usual here, folks.
7. Add some luxury non food indulgences
Binge on luxury indulgences instead of food from time to time. Get a massage with a friend, buy a $50 candle, organic body products or shower balls. Work a little more pampering and self-care into your routine and your need to binge on junk food will depreciate accordingly. A hot shower with a lavender shower ball trumps a pint of Ben and Jerry's
8. Maintain some non-negotiables
Junk or no junk, binge or not, add these ingredients to your "Non-negotiable, I will never eat" list. Hydrogenated oils, artificial sweeteners and artificial coloring. These foods are 100% toxic crap. In fact, they're not even food. Hydrogenated oils interfere with your body's ability to control hunger, metabolism and weight regulation. Each type of artificial sweetener comes packaged with its own toxic aftershock and artificial colors carry numerous health impacts. See a comprehensive list and health affects here.
When it comes down to it, eating junk is a part of life. Parties will always have sugary snacks and not all of your friends will be down to go to Whole Foods for lunch. The sooner you can make peace with this reality, the faster you will be on your way to joyfully accepting the balance of indulgence without derailing and losing weight for good. Turns out, you can have your cake and eat it too, just maybe not the whole thing.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Why 1: I want to feel better in my clothes and out of them.
Why 2: I want to feel more confident about the way I look.
Why 3: So that when I’m out with friends, I can focus more on what I’m doing than how I look when I do it.
How will you make your goals work for you this year?